CORONAVIRUS (COVID-19) RESOURCE CENTER Read More
Add To Favorites

Make sure to include mother in discussion of future; Caregivers Corner

Capital - 8/5/2018

Dear Mary, My father died about a year ago; he was the epitome of "ruler of the roost" and made every decision and took care of every detail throughout my parents' marriage.

Recently, my mother was diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia. The neurologist explained that this will affect her cognitive abilities, particularly her decision-making skills. Since she rarely made decisions throughout her adult life, when she heard the doctor's pronouncement, she just told me she wanted my siblings and me to figure this all out and just tell her what she needs to do.

How do we go about planning for her future now?

Dear Reader, Start with a family meeting, one that includes your mom. Talk with your siblings to see who should be included; it may be just your immediate families but can also include your mother's siblings, your cousins and anyone else you may define as family.

Set up a specific time and place for the meeting; family planning discussions should not occur haphazardly or be shared one-by-one over the phone. If family members are spread out over a large geographical region, modern technology enables everyone to be connected at the same time. Make use of conference calling, speaker phones and other technologies such as Skype and FaceTime. Have someone take notes to share with those who are unable to attend or connect.

Realize that the rest of your mom's life will not be settled in one meeting. Be prepared to meet routinely; every six months might work at first and quarterly updates may be required later.

In order to stay on task, prepare an agenda. Send it out ahead of time to those attending to get their input on things that might need to be added. An initial agenda might include topics such as: the latest report from the physician; sharing how all of those involved are feeling about this life changing event; your mother's needs and wishes; financial and legal planning; each individual's role in caregiving; daily caregiving needs; tasks that need doing.

Keep in mind that the two key issues are: what care does she need now and in the near future? And what help does the primary caregiver need to be effective? Agree on what is needed before offering solutions.

Respect each person's individuality. Once a list of tasks has been developed, allow family members to decide where they can be most effective. Not everyone is comfortable caring for someone who is sick, but they may be able to provide financial assistance to pay for home care to give the primary caregiver a break. Others might take care of grocery shopping and other errands or do home maintenance jobs.

Don't let your mother become lost in the discussion. Don't talk around her or over her. Even if she verbally defers to family members, pay attention to her body language and ask her what she is thinking and what her wishes are.

It is important for everyone to use "I" messages to say "I need ..." rather than "You should ..." The goal of the meeting is to work as a team in caring for the person who is ill, even if there is conflict among family members in other areas. Make sure each person's concerns are heard. Try to reach a compromise; don't allow a disagreement turn into a feud.

A written agreement capturing the decisions and agreements made at the end of the meeting can be a helpful reminder for family members. Distributing a calendar with different days marked with responsibilities and commitments can also help each person honor the agreements made.

Set a date for when you will meet again and how you can best share updates. Email can be an excellent tool to share doctor visit reports and other information.

Once you have completed this initial meeting, enjoy a simple meal together as a family. You will be on this journey for many years so it is important to keep those familial bonds strong and healthy.

Dear Readers, Victor Frankl said, "When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." Many of you are faced daily with situations you cannot change. For those of you who are caring for someone with dementia, learning as much as you can about this syndrome can change you and your outlook.

The Department of Aging and Disabilities offers you opportunities to learn and change through the fall 2019 Caregiver Educational Workshop series. For more information, go to www.aacounty.org/aging, email caregiver_support@aacounty.org or call 410-222-4375.

Questions and comments can be sent to Mary Chaput at the Department of Aging and Disabilities, 7320 Ritchie Highway, Glen Burnie, MD 21061, or by contacting 410-222-4339 or agchap01@aacounty.org.

Credit: Mary Chaput - Questions and comments can be sent to Mary Chaput at the Department of Aging and Disabilities, 7320 Ritchie Highway, Glen Burnie, MD 21061, or by contacting 410-222-4339 or agchap01@aacounty.org.

Nationwide News