'Be cool with it' -- 9-year-old autistic Tauntonian helps others understand autism

Apr. 19—TAUNTON — It may be Autism Acceptance Month in Taunton right now, but this Taunton family works to change perceptions about autism all year round.

At the beginning of the month, Mayor Shaunna O'Connell invited Heather Baylies-Grigoreas and her autistic 9-year-old daughter Violet Baylies-Grigoreas to speak about their experiences with autism, with Violet asking people to just "be cool with it" when interacting with people with autism.

But Baylies-Grigoreas and her family educate people on autism and how to better treat autistic and disabled individuals in their daily lives, with Baylies-Grigoreas even serving as a co-chair of Taunton Public Schools Special Education Parent Advisory Council.

Violet was diagnosed with autism very early on in life, at just 22 months, Baylies-Grigoreas said. Her older brother, 10-year-old Dexter, was already diagnosed with autism, and so the family knew there was a good chance she could also have it.

When Violet's speaking skills were slow to develop, Baylies-Grigoreas said, they received the diagnosis, and Violet was put in an early intervention program which helped her develop her speech and social skills.

But from a young age, Violet challenged the expectations many people have of autistic children. Baylies-Grigoreas said that Violet is very verbal and social and academically talented.

"Autism is a spectrum, and I think sometimes people, when they think of a spectrum, they think of a line going across, and you have severe autism on one side and high-functioning on the other, and they think they kind of fall somewhere on the line," she said.

"But that's really not it at all because there's so many different qualifications that you have to meet to get the diagnosis, so many different characteristics. So for each individual characteristic, you can fall in being great in that skill or you can fall in that you're still working on that skill."

Violet is in many ways a bubbly, friendly young girl. Baylies-Grigoreas said Violet wants to try everything and is super adventurous. She has a passion for rock climbing, loves her dance and drama classes and is even great on a surf board.

"Who would have thought that we could put her on a surfboard and she would be standing up a few minutes later," she said. "I had no idea there was so much talent under there."

But Violet still struggles with some common issues autistic individuals face, such as figuring out socially appropriate behavior.

"Sometimes we run into a little trouble when her dance teacher is starting to speak and she's still chatting it up," she said. "Or it's time to close out a conversation and she's not ready to close the conversation because she still has plenty more to say."

Another issue common among autistic individuals that Violet struggles with is anxiety and disappointment when routines are disrupted or plans change.

These issues are complicated by the fact that Violet is a girl. According to a 2016 Scientific American article, a growing number of studies are showing that autism is underdiagnosed in women and girls because the symptoms are different and sometimes less obvious than in boys and men.

"Sometimes people might get a little judgy...because people tend to be much more sympathetic to a very visible disability, and they're much more patient with a very visible disability," Baylies-Grigoreas said.

"And particularly in girls with autism, studies have shown...when you look at the differences between girls and boys with autism, that girls are much better at masking social deficits. So it might not be as easy to see it quickly."

Another recent complication for Violet and Dexter, as well as other autistic people, has been the COVID-19 pandemic completely disrupting normal routines.

"My kids are the happiest they have been in a year now that they are back at school and have a routine," Baylies-Grigoreas said.

But more than anything, Baylies-Grigoreas said, their family hopes to show people that autistic differences are just human differences.

"Violet has no problem telling people she has autism, ADHD, because it's not painted in a negative light in our household," she said.

Baylies-Grigoreas said families with special needs children will often avoid public and non-special needs spaces so as to avoid other people's judgment, which she completely understands.

"People may not realize they do it, but they pass judgments in the most public way. People can really feel when they're being stared at, when there's eye rolling," she said. "When a whole room of people turn to look, that surely doesn't feel nice. And I don't think that people do it in a vindictive kind of way, I think it's just human nature."

But one way her family normalizes disabilities is by not limiting themselves to special needs spaces and participating in all parts of public life.

"We don't want to be stuck saying, 'Well, there's only one special needs swim class and it only happens Sunday mornings at eight o'clock. That's no way to live a life," she said. "We really don't want the kids to be left behind...Any part of community that's available, we want them to have that opportunity to participate if they so choose."

So while some people might see autism as a struggle, in the Baylies-Grigoreas household, it's just another unique part of someone to love.

"Differences are great and should really be celebrated," Baylies-Grigoreas.

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